Here are suggestions from Hoffman on ways to overcome the most common challenges facing newlyweds:
Challenge: Managing Unrealistic Expectations
Most people think marriage is somehow magical and will make your life better, easier, and happier just because you said, “I do.” It’s not that simple. Relationships are complicated and take work. You have to put in effort, says Hoffman, to make your relationship last.
Solution: For starters, be realistic. Your relationship on the day after your wedding is the same one you had the day before. If you’re longing for something more in your marriage, then tell your spouse. Your partner can not read your mind. Once you’re married, you can be more vulnerable and open, says Hoffman. Use that to your advantage by honestly telling your spouse what you need and want. Be specific. Instead of saying, “I need more attention from you,” say, “I need you to find me and kiss me when you get home from work every night.”
Challenge: Making Sex New
Married sex – even in the newlywed stages – has a bit of a reputation for being boring or non-existent. But sex can still be exciting – and it can happen as often as you’d like. Really!
Solution: Make sex and time together a priority and something to which you look forward. This one sounds harder than it is. Hoffman suggests committing to rituals such as date night. “When the date nights go away, the attraction goes away, the sex goes away,” she warns. She adds that couples might also want to write letters to each other once a month expressing their feelings and thoughts about the relationship and their spouse. Again, this will help you stay connected, have something to which you can look forward, and could lead to sex. The happier you are in the relationship, says Hoffman, the more interested you’ll be in the sex.
Challenge: Heated Discussions and Silly Arguments
Arguments are inevitable. But often in new marriages, newlyweds fail to choose their battles wisely. They are still getting used to being with their spouse all the time and understanding the nuances of their married relationship. Sometimes, they lose their temper for silly reasons such as leaving the toilet seat up.
Solution: Hoffman says that the number one way newlyweds can help their marriage is to work on themselves. What does that mean? You need to take a step back from your discussions and arguments, says Hoffman, and reflect on your position and how you treated your spouse. Consider his or her perspective and critique yourself. Make changes to your communication skills and behavior when necessary. Agree that your partner has the right to his or her own opinion even if you still disagree with it. Never, ever throw around the D word (divorce), says Hoffman, because it causes insecurity in the marriage. Take time outs if the argument is getting too heated, and return later to discuss the issue calmly.
Challenge: Stress about Chores
Marriage usually means combining households, finances, cleaning, and cooking. That requires a lot of work. You can divide and conquer, but first you have to decide who does what.
Solution: Early in the marriage, you should sit down to determine what role you will each have. Who will take care of bills and filing taxes? Who will clean the bathroom? Who will cook dinner? Will you rotate these jobs? Be clear about what needs to get done and who will do each task. This way each of you knows his or her job – and neither one of you will carry the burden alone.
