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Readers Respond: How to Make Your Marriage Last

Responses: 22

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Although you can go through pre-marital counseling, prepare your finances, and move in together, you and your husband or wife will gain experience in marriage on the job. Still, you can learn from other couples and try to figure out what it takes to stay together forever. If you've been married a year or more, we'd like to hear from you. Some of you have already shared your tips with the Newlyweds guide. But we can always learn more. So, share your best marriage advice here.

veni

I am a married woman. My husband doesn't love me. He doesn't care about me. He is always blaming me for simple, simple things. He complains about me to all my relations, which embarrasses me a lot. Even though I have talked to him about this a lot, he continues doing it. He has an erection problem. He is not able to perform sometimes. He shouts at me, using foul language, in public. This makes me feel sad, and he keeps on telling me to get a divorce. What to do?
—Guest deju

Advice to Get Married

Wow! You left after 33 years, which took a lot of strength. My wife divorced me after 25 years together and it was tough. However, since then I have realized that she did me a favor. I'm 57 years old and free to do whatever I want, with nothing to lose. I don't think I ever really loved her. I married her because she had a college degree and her parents had money. The marriage was doomed from the very beginning, and I always hated my mother-in-law. The girlfriend I had prior to my ex did not have a degree, but I believe I would have been happier with her. My mistake!
—Guest Goldy55

Advice to get married

My spouse married me for a "replacement" to his dear departed mother. He lied to me for the first 20 years. He kept saying he wanted this, but the truth was he really married me because of extreme loneliness. We are all lonely, but you don't get up in front of God and lie. I was honest about what I wanted and expected in a marital partnership. He never discussed anything; we didn't fight a lot. I had been raised in an abusive home and was very aware of what a "war zone" does to the family. Even though I kept trying to have quiet, intelligent conversations, he just repeated the same thing. I finally left after 33 years, the day after our child graduated college. I begged for counseling...he refused. I was a good wife, good mom, and I worked full time before children. I honestly know I did everything possible, but the truth was "he never loved me as a wife". You simply can't lie your way through life and think you can hide it. We never had money problems.
—Guest goldy55

Marriage is not ownership of property

Please do not assume that once you are married, you "own" your spouse and he should be always "faithful" to you. If he looks out, then it's time for you to look "within" yourself. Where did you go wrong? If you nag him, push him to be your way (just for example), he may look out and so there are so many things. Most importantly, please do not try to change him to be as you like. This is the most common error. This brings stress and a silent revolt called "infidelity."
—Guest Sunny

Respect is to be comanded - not demanded

If something is going wrong, even if it's infidelity, before blaming your spouse or blowing your head off - STOP - reflect - Why did it happen? First, look at yourself. Could you have helped avoid it? Or did you do anything you did or you failed to do to trigger it? Do not expect you spouse to change. Try to accept him or her and see how you both can mutually adjust. Do not be over possessive. Give space to each other
—Guest Sunny

Respect is to be comanded - not demanded

As they say, "Respect is commanded and cannot be demanded." Well, so is fidelity. Marriage is not only about fidelity or intimacy. This is only one part of married life. There is a lot more to it. It's a life partnership with joint responsibilities, mutual security, parenting, etc. If we find our spouse "cheating," I would suggest following these steps: Review all aspects of married life. How is he doing in other areas in terms of parenting, security, responsibilities etc.? In case other areas are comfortable, then (1) do not think of breaking marriage (2) do not confront him or make known to him that you must know - right away. Wait, take a step back, review your relationship. What made him do this? Where did your relationship fail or is less than complete? It's not just about intimacy, it's about totality of the relationship. If need be, get help from a marriage counselor and try identify and correct the gaps if any and try to "win" him back. After all, he is doing good in all other areas.
—Guest Sunny

Selfishness

I know one thing about being married. You cannot be selfish in the relationship because that will not solve anything. I really took notes on all of your responses for my marriage. Thanks, I've been married for five years and it has not been easy.
—Guest christie

please give me advice on my marriage

I've been married for a year and 10months. We also have two children together, MY HUSBAND is a good father to them. I don`t work he works. My husband used to put his friends first, have big parties, drinking every weekend. Then, I left him over that. I found out he was having an affair. I forgave him because I love him i wouldn`t let another women steal him away from me..After that i also found that during our marriage he was on drugs. I accepted him to be doing it around me because i never wanted him to lie,his addiction got bad, really bad. He is in rehab now. I cant say anything something bad what his mother does then he takes off with me.Sometime he doesn`t sleep next to me in the same bed he'd rather sleep next to our children than me or in front of the TV. His mother was very nasty to him,when he went into rehab,i never went to see him for a day & half,he never told me that his mom visiting him& he never phoned me it felt he wasn`t interested in me when his mom was visiting him.i feel lost without him..
—Guest leris

Move on

I believe it's important not to hold things over one another's heads. For instance, paying for your spouse to go to graduate school or buying the last meal at dinner shouldn't be something brought up in a heated argument and used against the other. If you're going to financially help your spouse then verbally expect nothing in return because eventually they should return the favor without you asking.
—Guest mandy

Better Each Year!

17 happy years this August. Recently several friends and family have gone through divorce and we seemed almost more sad than they were. We couldn't comprehend how they could be divoring when we've never been happier...each year gets better and better. We realized our sadness for them was because we knew the loss of what they could have had. Advice... Live frugally and well below your means... the best things in life really are free. Make each other and your kids laugh. Put in the effort to raise good kids... be consistent... don't just yell, have discussions and explain why... it pays off big time. Put your spouse and kids before yourself... you'll realize later that when you do things for them, you're actually doing things for yourself. One wish... that the whole world could be this happy and content.
—Guest Mark

Pre-martial

How you respond to a comment before marriage will be the way you respond after marriage.
—Guest quintus foreman

Corinthians

A marriage is made up of three. A Man, a woman and God in the center. Be patient, kind, faithful, forgiving, thoughtful, have a sense of humour, and love your spouse as though you were one person. Handle your in-laws with kindness in spite of any difficulties which may arise. Be careful in all circumstances to not compromise your integrity. Your marriage is between you, your spouse and God and not anyone else.
—Guest kathy

Yes - WAIT to have kids!

The comment about not waiting to have your first child is awful advice. You need to know each other as a couple first. You may find you aren't cut out to be parents. There is nothing worse for a child to have parents who are not ready for the responsibility - which is HUGE.
—Guest schek

newlyweds

The first 2 years of wedded bliss also is a period of adjustment. Sometimes tender, sometimes noisy and mad. It is all part of the plan mother nature has for us. Roll with the punches, and make up later. It is all in the game. Nothing to worry about.
—Guest Gary

We

We Are...we...we..we...we..we...we..we...we..we...we..we...we..we...we..we...we..we...we..we...we..we...we..we...us
—Guest nita
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