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Readers Respond: When Is It Okay to Lie to Your Husband or Wife?

Responses: 18

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Many experts say that white lies can be beneficial to a relationship. So, honesty might not always be the best policy in marriage. But where should you draw the line? Is it okay to lie about your true feelings when it comes to your in-laws but not about the insurance policy you bought when you married? Let us know when it is all right to lie to your husband or wife and why. Share Your Opinion

I feel like a fool

I have been married for 23 years and my husband has told me lies every year. He said he quit smoking, but I saw him at the neighbors smoking. He has now turned it around again and yells and swears at me. He said it's not a big deal. He has lied about money and going out also. I feel like a stupid fool and don't know what to do.
—Guest flower petal

Is not sharing the truth lying?

My husband lies all the time, he thinks I don't know. We have been together 20 years but the lies only started in the past 6 months. I think, almost positive, he has a girlfriend he sees once in a while. He usually invents this odd-ball reason to go out and comes back wreaking of perfume. When i confronted him, he just brushed it off and said it was all in my head. The last time I smelled her perfume in my car, I found a scarf under the seat that just wreaked of her perfume. I confronted him again and again said it was in my head. I warned him, the next time I smell her cheap perfume on him, his clothes or in my car, he was out of here. He has since then appeared to have done a 360, or so I thought. The other night while watching House of Cards, a priest was testifying and was not telling what he knew, so I asked my husband why the priest was lying. With a huge smirk on his face he answered me: He's not lying, he's just not sharing the truth!" That just confirmed a lot to me!
—Guest HurtbyHusband

white liar

There are no such things as white lies only white liars. I call them that because while they think it's only a white lie..it always progresses,either in frequency or severity. Lies hurt trust and intimacy, how can you believe when they say,I love you,when you know they lie? I learned this too late to save my first marriage.
—Guest Russell

Is a lie ok

I believe it's not ever OK or justified to lie to your partner or spouse. If you believe it is, then you are not living in a devoted or healthy relationship. Rather, the reasoning is to protect their feelings, avoid conflict, or downplay the subject by calling it a white lie or a fib. Bottom-line, you're being dishonest. This is a slippery slope to subsequently begin to lie more and can easily spell loss of trust in a relationship, which is the foundation of a healthy relationship. Whether the truth may hurt or cause a confrontation, it's still far better to be honest.
—Guest hurt

It is not right to lie to your spouse

Once you have cheated on your wife, please tell her the truth. There is some type of penalty for lying to your wife.
—Guest Mrs. Stephanie L.Wilson

horrible person

I have lived in a state of denial of my own lies for most of my life. In terms of helping people, knowing not to steal, knowing not to physically hurt people and all other living things - I am a model human being. However, relationship wise, I am toxic! I have been with my girlfriend for 13 years. The first 2 years were very tough because she was married. I struggled big time. She split to be with me. She also has kids. I cheated on her in year 3. We were apart a lot because I was in the military. In year 4 we moved in together. I've e-mailed other women and flirted, and she found out. This has happened twice. I recently told her about cheating on her 10 years ago. I think this is break time and I don't blame her. I feel like the worst human being alive. I want to give her everything I have and more. I don't know what to do but not bothered about myself. I just want her to be happy. We're still together, but I think we're about to split. I don't know what else to do to rebuild her trust.
—Guest J

White Lies are NOT fine

If you have any respect for your spouse, don't delude yourself that some deceptions are perfectly fine, and which ones they might be. "White" lies are not fine and have no place in an honest relationship. You know who categorizes lies (such as white lies, lies of omission, etc) ? The liars, NOT the ones who are deceived. The deceived don't care to differentiate. Once a lie is found out, the deceived party won't cut you the same slack you cut yourself.
—Guest Realist

Why do they do it?

I have been with my partner for nearly 2 years now. He's 6 years older than I am, and he ALWAYS lies to me, about anything and everything. Sometimes little, stupid pointless lies like "I couldn't answer the phone. I was on the house phone" when actually, he wasn't, because I'd called that too. Sometimes slightly bigger lies, like he was doing something other than what he was, or he spent his money on something he didn't. He steals from people, including once from me! He lies about how much money he has. He says it's because in a past relationship his partner was money hungry. After 2 years of me paying the majority of the bills and never asking him for even a penny, he wonders if I'll be the same? I'm always open and honest about things with him, money too. We sit and work out my wages, and decide if we can support ourselves on them, and don't even consider his. I will go without just to make sure we're okay. Then, I find he gets a minimum £40 a week off his mother, which he never says. Why lie?
—Guest Confusedddd

white lies

My fiance of four years has lied to me lots of times. He lies about money. The one that hurt was when he was chatting with girls online and even advertised for no-strings sex online. I left to clear my head after confronting him; he still denied it by saying it was before we met, yet the photo was in our kitchen! That was two years ago. I told him not to use the PC and he had to earn back my trust. Then, just recently he lied about pawning the sat nav to get money. I found out and asked him to charge the sat nav for our trip, after telling him we haven't got the sat nav, he said it was broken! Then again I said it's not here and I know where it is, he said I don't know what you mean, I was hinting so much but then he said his friends are fixing it. I was getting angry because I knew that was the second lie, and I ended up screaming at him that it's at the pawn shop. I calmed down to think why he lied, the first lie he said he was bored at home this was why he went online, and the sat nav one, he didn't want to upset me.
—Guest nicola

my husband lies to me to

My husband lies to me all the time, so i know how you feel. It hurts every time you find another lie. My husband even advertised for another woman. Then because I found out he said he did it for a laugh, which I don't find funny. He says he has done nothing wrong as he says nothing happened, but I don't believe him for one minute. I love my husband so much, but he constantly lies and hurts me. He even pretends he is going to work, goes out usual time for work comes in usual time. He does not tell me were he has been when I say I know he has not been to work as I have either been past or tried to get hold of him. I think he has been with another woman all day. Last week when I found he had not been to work I was waiting for him. I even pulled his trousers down and smelled his genital area. It smelled of soap. Still, he lies. So, now i think the best thing is to carry on. I'll do my thing. He will do his and that's what I would advise anyone who has a similar thing going on. Switch off. Then, there will be no more hurt.
—Guest pertunia

Lies and Mistrust from a Husband

I have been married for seven years. I have a wonderful wife and four wonderful children. Over the past seven years, I have lied to my wife on multiple occasions, some small and some big. But on New Years Eve (2012) I was caught red handed. She found text messages in my phone to another woman. As soon as I walked into the house, she asked me who xx person was. And I lied right to her face and said it was nothing. But she had read the messages. It took me a couple of days to actual tell her the truth. And now when she asks me was there anything/anyone else, and I say no, she does not believe me. Can I blame her? No I can't, I destroyed my marriage because I felt that I was lonely, but in fact I was not. (My family and I have been living in different states for about seven months). I had a loving and wonderful wife who loved me more than anything, and I crushed her dreams. I am getting ready to deploy and will not know if I will have a wife after I get back. Lies destroy no matter what.
—Guest Horrible Husband

my angle

Indeed, I lied to my lady so many times. But i regret it, for sure. I love her so much. Anger, disrespect, frustration, confusion, loving her without guarantees [are among my feelings now]. Things will shine one day. Indeed, that's hard to deal with, but I'll deal with it. If only she wasn't afraid of me. All i need is her support.
—Guest amy de inadheere

My Husband Lies To Me too

Married 5 years and always felt some of the things my husband would say were lies but was not sure. He would lie about most anything and it lead me to not trust him. We are now separated and he has not tried for a reconciliation. Instead, still lies to me. I am just learning what a skillful liar my husband is and now I am beginning not to trust him enough to ever feel I could take him back. Why do men lie? Just last week he had one of his creditors take money out from my bank account and he lied about it. Is there no end to his lies? I need to know what is behind the lies. I just no longer have faith in anything he says to me. Other than this he was a good man and gave me no cause to doubt he loved me, but now I question if even this is true. I do not know what to believe anymore and fear this is the end of our marriage. How can we even work on our marriage if he continues to lie and it is making me not trust him?
—troubles4me

when is it ok to lie to a spouse

You should never lie but to keep from hurting their feelings or someone else hurting their feelings that is ok
—Guest Regina

REAL LOVE!

If you really love your wife, you would never lie to her.
—Billy136

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When Is It Okay to Lie to Your Husband or Wife?

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