1. People & Relationships

6 Steps to Asking for What You Want in Bed

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Sexual communication, which is necessary to get what you want out of sex, is a challenge for most couples. Many people are either too embarrassed or concerned that talking about sex and what you want in bed will lead to an argument. Discussing sex with your spouse will not only increase your intimacy, but it will also improve sex. And you can talk about the kind of sex you’d like to have without fighting. Really. Here’s what you need to do to ask for what you want in bed when having sex –

1. Sexual Communication - Think before you talk.

Before you broach the subject of sex with your spouse, you must be sure of your intentions. Your motivation should be to improve your sex life and enjoy sex more and not to punish your husband for forgetting to mow the lawn last weekend. Once you are certain your intentions are good, come up with a plan for what you’d like to say. Consider your spouse’s feelings and think specifically about what you truly desire. Make a list if you have to.

2. Sexual Communication - Set the mood.

Obviously, you should pick a time and place (your home is probably best) where the two of you can be alone and free from distractions. If you're just interested in increasing the frequency of sex, you might consider setting the mood before coming out and asking for sex. For instance, you could light a few candles, run a bath for you and your spouse, and then start kissing him or her to get sex started. In this way, you are communicating without saying a word.

3. Sexual Communication – Be positive.

Instead of telling your partner the things he or she does during sex that you don’t like, tell them what they do to pleasure you. For example, you could say, “You drive me wild when you nibble on my ear before sex,” instead of, “I hate it when you lick my belly during sex.” If you keep telling your spouse about the stuff you like, eventually he or she will focus on a repertoire of those things.

4. Sexual Communication – Give explicit directions.

Again, you’re trying to eliminate criticism and negativity to avoid hurting your spouse’s feelings. Tell him or her exactly what you’d like done to you. Be very specific. Whisper something like, “Look into my eyes as you unbutton my shirt. Kiss me and run your finger down my torso. Begin to touch my breasts…” You get the idea. This exercise will not only get you what you want in bed but it can also be erotic, which can spice up sex.

5. Sexual Communication – Use your hands.

Sometimes, you don’t even have to talk. You can simply use your hands to direct your spouse along your body and into the positions you’d like. This show and tell could even be a game for the two of you, where neither of you talks, but you let your hands – and perhaps some moaning if it happens naturally – be your guide. 

6. Sexual Communication – Employ positive reinforcement.

When your spouse does something you enjoy while having sex, tell him or her. Moan, groan, or simply say, “That was great…” or “I love it when you do that…” Speak up because a pat on the back, a round of applause, and a “You’re wonderful” always set up a person for continued success. We all want to get those applause again and again.

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