In fact, many married people find they have different ideas about what’s appropriate behavior and where to draw the line when it comes to Internet pornography and cyber sex. When you marry (ideally before you walk down the aisle), one of the first things you must do is sit down as a couple and “clarify your marriage contract,” says Maheu, the author of Infidelity on the Internet (Sourcebooks, 2001). “In the old days, men would sit 16 feet away and girls would dance around,” she adds. “It’s not like that anymore. Now, the girls sit in their laps.” It’s hard to tell what’s right and wrong for your marriage, which is why couples must communicate with one another.
Get specific about what you think is all right and what you think is going too far. Don’t hold back, suggests Maheu. Here are some questions she would pose for starters: How do you feel about lap dances? Is it all right to have conversations on the Internet about your penis? Is it ok to view porn but not to watch women strip on a webcam? Write down your decisions on these matters, says Maheu, because many couples fail to spell out their promises to one another. “Marriage vows are woefully inadequate,” she adds.
Those who realize they have an actual Internet porn addiction have more work to do, say experts. They need to make a plan and stick with it to put their life – and presumably their marriage – back in order. Some wives are willing to work with husbands to do this, and others must get out of the marriage. Most people can’t get through an addiction on their own and require professional help. One problem is that Internet porn addiction is such a new phenomenon that few people are truly trained to help couples and this can be frustrating, say experts. But Maheu says there are professionals who can help you with cognitive behavior techniques and devising a plan to stop. Glamour suggests seeking help from The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, where you can find a directory of qualified professionals, Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sexual Compulsives Anonymous, which are 12-step groups.
