How Can We Get Ready and Used to Living Together?

Question: How Can We Get Ready and Used to Living Together?

I'm getting married in August, and, my fiancé will be moving in to our new apartment when we get the lease (probably a month or so before the wedding). I won't be moving in until after the wedding.

I am concerned that this won't work. He'll be living there, probably treating our place like a bachelor pad. He's not exactly the neatest person in the world. I really don't want to be his cleaning lady. I've told him this, and I am sure I've probably insulted him.

What can I do so that we will have a smooth transition? Is there anything, or is this just a lost cause?

Answer: First, even if you’re not moving in when your fiancé does, you can start having input on the décor and the chores getting done from the start. You should have a conversation – without belittling or criticizing your fiancé – about what you’d like your home to look like and how you’d like to divide the household chores. You can be honest about your concerns and needs. For example, you can say something such as, “I would like us to share responsibility for our home, and I’d like it to be a warm place that looks nice and welcomes our friends and family.” Then, describe how you’d like the two of you to accomplish those goals and ask him what he wants to get out of your home together. Truly listen to his ideas and concerns. You can not be a dictator. Marriage is a two-way street as they say, and that means you must try to compromise.

Second, you should be visiting frequently while your fiancé is living there alone, so that it feels like your marital home from the get go. It will also help him think of it as your place together and not his place alone. Most men, especially ones who have already made the leap by getting engaged, welcome a woman’s touch in their home. Therefore, your soon-to-be husband will probably enjoy having you -- and your influence -- around.

Third, you should discuss the particulars of cleaning and accomplishing household chores. Who will be doing what? When will you take out the trash, wash the dishes, make the beds? What are your priorities when it comes to the chores? Even though you should discuss these matters before the wedding, you should also be flexible. Things are going to come up. Someone will get the flu and the beds will go unmade one day. Another time, you’ll let the dishes soak overnight before getting to them. That’s okay. The important thing is to stay on top of clutter and mess as best you can, so it doesn’t take over your life.

The bottom line is that you and your soon-to-be husband must communicate and start living like husband and wife even if you are not yet living together. This is the start of a whole new life. There will be bumps along the way, but if you’re honest with each other and consider one another’s feelings, things should work out fine.