One of the difficulties those who've lost a child must face is the challenge of family, friends, celebrities, and strangers who are showing off their bellies swollen with child, celebrating births and first birthdays, all while you're grieving. You're happy for them but sad for yourself. And seeing pregnant women and babies - or even just hearing about them - can bring up lots of emotions. "We have big hearts, and we are simultaneously able to be happy for others," says Coons. "But it sure is hard."
Be clear with loved ones about what works for you. If there's a baby shower for a friend, for example, and you don't think you can handle it, you can send a gift and stay home, says Coons. You just have to determine your level of comfort and follow your heart.
Unfortunately, some people might say insensitive things to you - from why don't you have a baby to yours wasn't a real baby yet anyway. You and your husband should have a united front and protect one another from hurtful words. Try to understand that most people mean well, says Coons, and they don't mean to be insensitive. Lean on each other in these moments, simply say thank you to those doling out the insensitive condolences, and then quickly move on.
DECIDING WHETHER TO TRY AGAIN
Most doctors say that after a first trimester miscarriage, the mom needs two to three months (with two to three normal menstrual cycles) before she should try to get pregnant again. You'll have to talk to your doctor for specific advice. Whether you're physically ready to conceive, however, should not be the only factor in your decision. Spouses and partners must seriously talk about their emotional state and whether they're mentally ready to try again, says Coons, who suggests setting aside a time when both of you are rested, peaceful, and open to talking. Some couples, she adds, can benefit from seeing a therapist or counselor.
Those who have experienced a late-term or neonatal loss have greater challenges ahead of them. They won't forget, says Coons, but they must move forward. "Their hearts will be able to love each other and other children," says Coons. They have to realize, she adds, that having another child won't diminish the love they have for the lost one, which is particularly important for couples who experienced later loss.
One way that couples comfort themselves and honor their late babies is by creating rituals, often around the anniversary of the loss. People have planted a tree, gone to the cemetery, and donated to charity every year after the loss. This helps them remember the child while still moving on with their lives.
Remember, there are others who can relate to you. "No matter how alone you feel, there is someone who understands," writes Cohen. "Do whatever you need to do, whether it be staying to yourself, going for therapy, being with your friends, or losing yourself in a hobby. This is the time to put yourself and your needs first."
