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Big Talks You Must Have


Bracing for the big issues – and having a plan on how to handle the big talks – can be your salvation.  Many modern couples discuss major issues, such as money, religion, or having kids, before getting married. Still, most newlyweds are surprised at how many times they have to have the big talks again. Since these big talks have couples confronting touchy subjects, they can quickly turn into an argument. Frankly, people change their minds and opinions over time, and there are some issues that you couldn’t possibly anticipate. 

Here’s a list of big talks you and your spouse need to tackle.


Mid adult couple checking bills in kitchen
Jose Luis Pelaez/Iconic/Getty Images

Time and again, newlyweds find that money is the root of all evil, or at least all arguments. People handle their money differently and have different ideas on how to save and spend. Some view money as a necessity equal to water and air, and others see it simply as materialistic. Discussing your views and being able to rationally and calmly make decisions about what to do with your money (for example, should you get joint bank accounts?) is a must in every marriage.


Sex is another issue about which most people argue at some point. One spouse wants more sex than the other. One spouse has some sort of physical ailment that is interfering with their sex life. Somebody might be cheating. Some wives never experience an orgasm. And the list of reasons sex becomes an issue goes on and on. Work hard to maintain a healthy sex life, so sex remains fun and never becomes a burden.


The kind of relationship you will have with the in-laws is predetermined by the conversations you have with your spouse about them. You should discuss how much time everyone should spend together, and the boundaries you’d like to set, especially if the in-laws live nearby. The relationship can be mutually beneficial, but there’s also the possibility of tension and resentment. Just be careful to approach your new family with an open heart and an idea of how you envision the relationship.

Changing Your Name

One of the first big decisions a wife must make is whether she will change her name. Many husbands weigh in with their opinions. Couples have to make the decision that is right for them. Sometimes, the wife must express her choice and explain why she came to that conclusion about changing her name. But ultimately it's her choice. If hubby isn't pleased with her decision, then the real talking will have to begin to reach resolution.


Couples of the same religion usually have it easier when it comes to this big talk. They often might have to reach compromises about how to practice the religion. How often will they go to religious services? What role will religion play in the lives of their children? Those of different faiths, however, have a more challenging road to walk. They must decide if and how to incorporate both their faiths into the marriage. That requires sensitivity, skill, and kindness. It also requires a lot of patience and time.

Where to Live

Deciding where to call home can be difficult for some couples. Granted, many newlyweds have this decision dictated to them by their jobs. The place where they can make the most money wins. Others, however, might want to live closer to family or friends. Some want to buy their own home. Still others, might have always had a dream about where they would live after getting married. Talking about your dreams in tandem with your realistic options – and making a wise decision based on what’s best for both of you – requires maturity and compromise.

Household Chores

Few, if any people, talk about who is going to take out the garbage, who is going to cook, and who will be cleaning the dirty underwear before getting married. But the nitty gritty of your everyday life should be worked out as soon as you can get to it. Issues, such as the spouse who never puts the cap back on the toothpaste, have been stumping married people for generations. You don’t want those little arguments to pile up and turn into a monster argument.

Having a Baby

Getting on the same page about if and when to have a baby is important. If one of you wants a baby and the other does not, you can both end up feeling lots of resentment. This talk requires added dimensions that you might not initially think about. For instance, what will you do if you discover you can’t have a baby naturally? What will you do about infertility? What if there’s something wrong with your baby? This is a deep topic that requires tranquility and sensitivity, especially to the woman whose body would be facing pregnancy.


Once you decide to have a baby, you’re going to have to raise him or her. People have all sorts of ideas about child rearing, many of which can be traced back to their own parents. The only way to know where you each stand on issues – from cleaning your plate to curfews for teens – is to discuss them as they arise. Be sure to show a united front to the kids even if you don’t always agree with one another.

The Future

Preparing for the future is like a security blanket for newlyweds. Get your finances in order, write a will, and decide what you’d want to happen if you suddenly could not speak or act on your own behalf. No one wants to think about the ugly things that can happen in life, but by preparing for them, you can set your mind at ease. Make sure your family would be provided for and well taken care of well into the future.
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