Newlyweds are freshmen to marriage. Some of them have to get used to living together, and all have to get used to that lifetime of commitment to which they promised. That’s a lot of pressure. Sometimes, little things – from forgetting to take out the garbage to falling asleep in front of the TV – can set off a firestorm. But here’s how to avoid blowing up in an argument and saying things you’ll later regret:
Gain Perspective
After getting intimately acquainted with your spouse’s quirks – from his morning flatulence to her OCD way of organizing toiletries – they stop being cute and start being annoying. But if these are your biggest problems, consider yourself lucky. These kinds of idiosyncrasies do not make your spouse a bad person and are probably things that you can tolerate. They are part of what makes your spouse an individual. Getting angry over these kinds of things makes you an ogre and makes your spouse feel self conscious. No good will come of it. Accept the person you married for who he or she is, and you’ll both be happier.
Choose Your Battles
It may sound like a cliché, but “choosing your battles” is a necessity for a marriage’s survival. If you get as angry about the household chores as you do something serious, such as deciding to go to a marriage counselor, your spouse will have a hard time taking you seriously. Plus, it will seem like you’re always at odds. Soon, bad vibes will surround your marriage. That’s never a good thing. If something is really bothering you, approach your spouse calmly and explain what’s on your mind and what the two of you can do to solve the problem together.
Never Let Things Fester
While you should choose your battles wisely, you also should not let things that are bothering you build up inside. That can sometimes cause an explosion. To avoid this, share your thoughts with your spouse – in the nicest way possible – at the moment they occur to you.
It’s all in the presentation. Instead of saying, “I think you’re nuts and I refuse to alphabetize my medication in the cabinet,” you should say, “I find that alphabetizing my medication takes up too much time, and I prefer organizing it differently.” The latter phrase allows you to express your opinion without judging your spouse.
Put Yourself in Your Spouse’s Shoes
Consider your wife or husband’s feelings when you’re disagreeing with him or her. Ask yourself why he or she might have taken this opposing position. Understanding the other side of the story is an important step on the road to resolution. Express what you think your spouse is feeling. Ask if you’re correct. Ask for clarification. Share your position and then discuss.
Be Willing to Compromise
You are no longer an independent single person. Now, you must consider the feelings and needs of another. Sometimes, you both have to compromise for the sake of your marriage. Give a little. Take a little. Be fair. In other words, make sure that neither one of you is always giving in to the other’s wishes. Resentment will build and that’s poison to a relationship. You both have to be flexible and willing to give in.
Cool Off
If you’re really angry, go for a walk or do something alone that will distract you. The last thing you want is to keep hashing things out with your spouse and saying something you don’t mean in the heat of the moment. You can put off the argument until you are both calmer and able to speak rationally. Remember that arguments are a part of married life, and they don’t have to be the death of it. In fact, often fights – if done right – help you reach a deeper understanding and resolution on a particular issue. So, take a deep breath and relax.
