1. People & Relationships

How to Overcome Doubts about Your New Marriage

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With such a high divorce rate, many people are skeptics when they hear about the latest couple to wed. Some guests have even taken bets at weddings on how long a marriage will last. These doubting Thomases can either make or break a newlywed couple. Some newlyweds will feel like these doubters are the enemy. It is the two of them against the world, a mentality that will give them strength and the common goal of proving everyone wrong. Others will begin to turn on one another and let the seeds of doubt planted by their friends and family grow and fester.

What To Do If You Become One of the Doubters:

The doubters might have a point. If you’re Britney Spears and you marry a childhood friend on a whim in Las Vegas, no one is going to be surprised when the marriage ends hours later. You shouldn’t be either. On the other hand, if you’re marrying your high school sweetheart when you’re 25, your relationship has a fighting chance even if some people think you’re too young and you may long to sow your wild oats later. Only you know what’s right for you. And since you’ve already married, then clearly you are confident that this relationship was meant to be and will last.

But you’re only human, and it is understandable if the doubters start to get to you. Perhaps, you’re wondering if they might be right. That’s okay and perfectly natural. Most people have those moments when they become doubters themselves about the potential of their relationship. You argue. You have a dream about someone else. You discover that you share a completely different opinion on an issue, say the death penalty or abortion or Britney Spears. And you don’t even know who you’ve married anymore.

Fear not. Those are among the downs in the ups and downs of marriage about which you’ve heard so much. You’re in a safe place, unless these arguments and differing opinions are about things that put you in physical danger or cause a rift between the two of you that wreaks havoc and causes those irreconcilable differences about which you’ve also heard so much. A physical or emotional affair, domestic violence, or a fundamental difference in values are things that could lead to divorce court. Most of the issues that come up early in a marriage are not as heavy or difficult to overcome as the previous examples. If they are, you should seek counseling or professional help.

If your issues are not of the heavy variety, when your spouse cooks dinner for you or comforts you after a bad day of work or agrees to disagree with you, your doubts will go out the window again. In those moments, you should think about the outsiders who doubt the two of you. The truth is they just don’t understand the relationship behind the relationship. In other words, they don’t see what goes on behind closed doors – how you care for and support one another, what each of you brings to the relationship. A relationship, after all, is made up of the intimacies and habits that only the two of you know and share. That’s the foundation for all else, and that’s why you can indeed ignore the doubters.

What To Do If It’s the Two of You Against the World:

Newlyweds who marry against the better judgment of everyone else are often spunky, confident, and sometimes even smug. You probably know a couple like this – a May-December romance that never fizzled, those of mixed religions, races, ethnicities or classes, or long-distance lovers who finally decided to pick a state and stick with it. The reason they are so sure of themselves is that they have to be. They had to stand up to the doubters from day one. For the relationship to even launch, they had to consider their own doubts and reflect on the potential of the future of their couplehood. Marriage is the culmination of their thought processes. They know what they’re doing. They’ve already gone through the first phase, which is discussed above.

The doubters at their wedding could not have said anything they have not already heard or said themselves. To continue to succeed and overcome the doubting Thomases, this couple just has to remain true to itself. They have to continue to work on their relationship like anyone else would. And they have to continue to love each other despite their differences. Of course, they must stand up to the doubters who confront them. For example, if mom calls and starts fishing for information about how married life is going, these newlyweds have to tell mom that they love each other even now that the wedding is over and even though they naturally remain unique individuals.

Regardless of which category you and your spouse fall into at this moment, you can still overcome the doubting Thomases, even if you’re one of them at times. All you have to do is remember the reasons you wanted to marry your spouse in the first place. As a newlywed, you’re in the unique position of having all these reasons fresh in your memory. Should you win at this game of beating the doubters, you will have an everlasting marriage. Those doubters, on the other hand, will have egg on their face – and they’ll certainly lose that bet they made at your wedding. Revenge never was so sweet!

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