“If one spouse has a career that depends on moving, travel, change, etc. for advancement (like, say, the military, or working for an oil firm or the Diplomatic Corps), discuss honestly how you will handle this before both spouses invest themselves in careers that require this type of life. I've seen too many military (and corporate) marriages fail because either one or both spouses lied about wanting to get out of or stay in the military and/or ‘move back home’ after a certain number of years and the spouse without the stressful/move-filled career refused to move, accommodate or understand his or her spouse's real career and emotional needs, thus putting tons of stress on the marriage without trying to talk through or work to deal with the career-related issues at hand. Something eventually has to give, and you can't just tell the State Department or the Army that you won't go anywhere because your spouse doesn't want to…It comes down to honest communication (not telling the other spouse what he or she wants to hear and self-searching to decide what is really, truly important. I gave up a career in corporate finance (whew, dodged the AIG bullet, LOL!) to move 10 times in 23 years, so far, and have 10 different jobs on top of that. I'm not sorry, because there is no way my original career, which required staying in one city, could mesh with a military move-every-two-years lifestyle. Something had to give and my husband had an ROTC scholarship to pay back, so I really had little choice. It just took me a while to accept that what I thought was a dead end was really a different beginning…Oh, and, if you can, save those credit cards for emergencies. Learn to save. Build an emergency fund. Money problems ruin marriages, too.”—Nancy, guide to Senior Travel
“Never forget to act like kids every now and then. Dance to the Beatles like it's 1964. Crank The Who and play air guitar. Play on the swing set. Grab the frisbee and double-dog-dare your mate to play with you. Challenge him to a duel with wooden pasta forks. Drag his unwilling, sleepy butt outside at 2 a.m. just because the northern lights are spectacular. Here's why: we get so caught up in the same old same old. Food, dishes, laundry, job, lather, rinse, repeat. The monthly bills, the kids, the day-to-day. It can get wearing. And, if we are being honest, boring. Whole days can go by where we just worry about money and totally forget to laugh. About anything. But I live by the credo that it's mentally healthy to do something, well, silly on a semi-regular basis. It often makes me laugh with my head thrown back until my stomach hurts and tears roll down my face. It also forces me to remember who I am at my core. Not a bad thing to display to the man who married me because of it--and an equally good thing to see in the man I married for his loving, light heart.”—Shelley, married 23 years
“Listen to your wife. If she's not happy, you're not happy. Foot rubs are way more effective than diamonds.”—Paul, divorced and remarried
“I don't consider myself an expert. I've only been married for 31 years and I'm still trying to figure it out. Really listen, love each other exclusively, tolerate flaws, have fun together.”—John, married 31 years
“Take vacations alone together, without kids. What my husband and I have most in common is our love of the outdoors. We've traveled a lot with the kids, but we've also found others to take care of them so we could enjoy some alone time enjoying skiing, hiking, and biking. Our daughters go to sleep-away camp every summer. They've become more independent and our marriage has become stronger.”—Rachel, married 17 years
“I guess I'd say, learn a way to hold family meetings. Whether it's a set time and place, or a set procedure, or just a signal that you're going to start being serious, honest, forthright and respectful, it helps greatly to have a way to put yourselves on your best behavior. Even if it seems silly on occasion (like arguing about a shopping list or something), in a real high-stakes situation, like an emergency or a home purchase, the habit will repay the work put into setting it up.”—Andrew, married 30 years
“Being flexible, adaptable, and willing to compromise, having some common interests, but also those you do with others, and not sweating the small stuff [are my bits of advice]. I would add don't have kids, although that seems to work for some couples and is important for survival of the species. Ronnie and I did discuss and decide important things like no kids, both working, handling $$, sharing, etc. before we got married.”—Linda, married nearly 38 years
“Plan to spend some time apart, keeping up with your old friends and cultivating your own interests so that you hold onto your identity and every reunion is sweet.”—Susan, married nearly 13 years
“This is my third husband, so I think I have authority here. Not only have I found out what works for us, I also know plenty about how not to do it. Here are three things that work for us: Think the best of your spouse. Always extend goodwill to each other. ‘As similar as possible, as different as necessary.’ The similarity makes for comfort, the difference keeps that little bit of mystery alive. “—Isabella, married for more than 13 years
