Ask for help.
Sometimes, to make sure that you can get that time alone, you'll have to ask for help from a friend or another relative. You might even have to hire a nurse or caretaker. Lisa Boesen of Houston, Texas, has been married five years. Her mom and dad lived on and off with her and her husband, while her mom was treated for pancreatic cancer, until her parents passed away in December 2008 and January 2009 respectively. Her sister also moved in for a while to serve as an additional caretaker.When the tension of having everyone under one roof got to them one night, she and her husband went to a hotel and left her sister with mom and dad. "Everybody needs a break and that's okay," says Boesen, who suggests using your resources and letting people give you a hand. "Let people know what you really need," she adds.
Help your in-laws, too.
Consider the kind of relationship you have with your in-laws and offer to help them when they're aging and/or ill in the way that best fits. Holding grudges or being resentful about it only hurts your husband or wife. "Just think that they're at the end of their life," says Boesen. "They gave you the gift of your spouse." Keep in mind the advice that your parents would have probably given you about respecting elders and caring for those in need and follow suit when it comes to your in-laws.Nancy Parode, the Guide to Senior Travel for About.com, says she and her husband have talked about how to care for aging parents from the beginning of their marriage because they live far away from their extended family. Although her mother-in-law is able to take care of herself now, Parode is prepared to play a part in her care should she ever need help. "I think my role is to support my husband and my mother-in-law as they work together to ensure that she has control over where she lives and how her life works," writes Parode in an e-mail. "I also know I'll be called upon to drive her places she's not comfortable driving to herself, if she does move to our part of the country."
Reevaluate the situation every so often.
The caretakers - be it you and your spouse or siblings - should get together every so often to discuss observations about mom and dad's health, systems or routines that might no longer be working, and how to improve care and convenience for everyone. The Tienstras meet with Jon's sister at a diner to eat and go over everything that's been happening with mom. Kae says it's a good way to prepare themselves for the future and tend to any problems that need resolving. Checking in with people also gives you all a chance to tweak things that are not working and communicate your own needs and desires.Support your spouse as parent's health declines.
People are rarely ready to give up their mom or dad or any other close relative, even if the person has been suffering. The spouse whose parent is ill will be facing some serious challenges. "Whatever practical realities there are, there will be many powerful emotional forces driving your husband or wife," says Francine Russo, author of They're Your Parents, Too! How Siblings Can Survive Their Parents Aging (Bantam, 2010).Giving your support by lending an ear, offering a hug, or pitching in with the care taking can go a long way to bring you and your husband or wife together in difficult times. "Go back to your vows - 'for better or worse,'" says Boesen. "This is the worse."
Use this as an opportunity to strengthen your marriage.
Bruce Norton, founder and lead developer of Real Web Geeks, told his father, who was frail and having trouble getting around, that he needed his help, and therefore would like him to move in with the family. Norton's father agreed and the move made him stronger. Indeed, Norton's father does help by keeping an eye on his granddaughter, chipping in financially sometimes, going to the grocery store, and cooking meals.While Norton admits that everyone, including his wife and father, have had to make adjustments to their lives, he would not have it any other way. "When you really look at life, what it really boils down to is relationships, and there are few things more important than relationships with parents," says Norton. "You can tap into their wisdom when they're in your home."
Indeed, caring for an aging relative can be good for your marriage and family. Says Jacobs, "When you stand shoulder to shoulder in caring for someone older, you set a good example for the kids, and you show them what love and family are all about."
