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Francesca  Di Meglio

Should You Deny Sex to Your Spouse?

By August 31, 2010

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Sometimes, marriage is a power struggle. And I have known people to deny sex to their spouse as a way of winning an argument. The first time I heard about this strategy, I couldn't believe it. Sex or rather making love is an important part of marriage. It is a way to demonstrate your love, increase intimacy, and, in some cases, make a baby. Denying sex to your spouse as a punishment or as a means of getting your way seems downright barbaric and all together mean. I figured it's all about trying to be the winner, and both people should be the winners in a happy marriage.

Then, I started noticing all those TV shows and films that have wives sending their husbands out of the bedroom and onto the couch after a stinging argument. Pushing the person away both emotionally and physically doesn't seem like the right way to find resolution. Then again, after a big fight, my husband likes to be alone and doesn't want to talk right away. I, on the other hand, must discuss and discuss until we come to a resolution or agreement and can move on without fighting. My husband makes a point, too, however. The fact is that continuing to talk in that moment usually just escalates the anger, which causes you to say things you don't mean. I've been trying to take a step back during these kinds of fights. Neither one of us ever sends the other out of our bed. It's an unwritten rule that we sleep in the same bed even if we're in the middle of a fight.

The bottom line is that however you choose to fight or whatever is going on in your marriage, denying sex to your spouse as a form of punishment or a means to gain power is a big mistake. You're taking a risk with your marriage, which is already fragile. Face it - your spouse won't enjoy the rejection, resentment could build, and then the power struggle could take the place of teamwork. Do you ever deny your husband or wife sex as a means of punishment or to win an argument? Why or why not?

December 6, 2012 at 11:09 am
(1) Marjorie says:

I think this is a ridiculous article. Obviously, you shouldn’t purposefully deny your partner affection as punishment; however, you are flirting with the idea that when a woman is unhappy she should have sex with her husband, just to make HIM happy. This is just as wrong, as using sex as a fighting tactic/tool.

December 20, 2012 at 12:57 pm
(2) newlyweds says:

I never suggested that someone should have sex just to make her husband happy, nor do I think husbands should do that for their wives. They both should want sex when they decide to have it. I’m simply saying that I don’t think it’s right to use sex as a punishment or fodder for winning an argument.

June 17, 2013 at 1:10 pm
(3) kd says:

My husband has use sex as a form of punishment in my opinion only because i haven’t been obedient in terms of showing respect or going against his authority. the way I’m saying it my sound horrific and i expect will gain back lash..but don’t get crazy about it..I’m not being abused ect. just he feel like until i get my act together why should i ge
t the reward.. i just don’t agree that sex should be used in this manner therefore i believe I’m being punished for my bad Attitude so to speak. i tried talking to him but same results ..idk what to do.

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