Last night, I was flipping through the channels and stumbled upon an episode of 20/20 on WE Women's Entertainment. There was a group of young people -- in their twenties and thirties -- discussing the fact that they call themselves asexual and have no interest in having sex -- ever. One of them had created a Web site, which helped those who identified themselves as asexuals to find one another and discuss issues that concern them. Some of the people featured on the show were married asexuals.
One couple in particular, said the show's host in a post-segment commentary, tried having sex once after the show aired but decided it wasn't right for them. This group argues that you can be as intimate without sex as you are with sex. They say that they marry for companionship but have no intention of consummating their relationships. They seem perfectly content with their lifestyle.
I say live and let live. But I personally want to have children the old-fashioned way if possible, and I'm physically attracted to my husband-to-be Antonio, and I want to act on those feelings and reach yet another level of intimacy with him. What do you think? Can married couples go without sex? Will their relationships be as successful, more successful, or less successful? Leave your comments below. I can't wait to get the discussion started.
One couple in particular, said the show's host in a post-segment commentary, tried having sex once after the show aired but decided it wasn't right for them. This group argues that you can be as intimate without sex as you are with sex. They say that they marry for companionship but have no intention of consummating their relationships. They seem perfectly content with their lifestyle.
I say live and let live. But I personally want to have children the old-fashioned way if possible, and I'm physically attracted to my husband-to-be Antonio, and I want to act on those feelings and reach yet another level of intimacy with him. What do you think? Can married couples go without sex? Will their relationships be as successful, more successful, or less successful? Leave your comments below. I can't wait to get the discussion started.
It’s very hard with out sex… my wife is in menopause and she just don’t want it any more.. we had good sex for one year then everything went down hill… I been married 9 years! HELP!
I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for close to 10 years now. While the number of times we have made love can be finger counted on both hands, we love each other very much. We are very passionate and intimate together, and so far we have outlasted many couples that got married, some of them having kids. I think what does it for us is that we are constantly keeping each other in a stage of eternal longing, wanting for more. I consider myself a very sexual person.
I think it’s possible, I kind of think this country is sex crazed anyways, they do it for stupid self-gratification, not because they care about the other person………..I have sex to make my husband happy but otherwise I don’t like it, I’m willing to compromise for his sake, I have to say that we have sex and I find other activities WAY more emotionally connecting than sex, I don’t think it puts you on another level of intimacy, it’s just something else to do…..oh and yes I’ve physically “enjoyed” sex before, it pretty much made it less emotionally fufilling
We are married and we practice the sexless marriage. We have been doing it for about 30 years. Its not all that bad. One less thing to argue about or make some nasty comment.
Right after our kids were born we called a piece treaty on sex. No more sex !!!!!Husband started working nights , more money there and wife had
also go to work she worked days, with no weekends off together. We did see each other breifly as we passed at the front door. Slept in same bed at different times of the day. So whats the big deal about sex you do what you got to do for your kids.
I BEEN MARRIED FOR 40 YEARS,NO WE NOT OLD BUT WE HAVE BEEN WITH OUT SEX FOR A LONG TIME. I WILL LIKE TO HAVE IT BUT HE IS NOT INTERESTED NOR HE TRY TO FIX IT, HE HAS VERY LOW LIBIDO. WHEN I GOT MARRIED I WAS A VIRGIN SO HE IS THE ONLY MAN I EVER BEEN WITH. I WILL LIKE TO BE ABLE TO HAVE SEX BUT HE IS NOT EVEN ROMANTIC. WHAT I MOST MISSED IS THE INTIMACY BEEN ABLE TO HUG OR MAYBE KISS , WELL THAT IS MY STORY . N
I have been married for 25 years now, and 4 years ago I informed my wife that I was officially retired regarding sex! Since the day I informed her of that we have not has any kind of sexual experience and I’m glad for it! I now find a woman’s vagina repulsive as for as it being used for sex outside of child birth! I will spend the next 30 or so years(rest of my life)celibate and I’m fine with it! Am I selfish? Dam right I am, which fits right in with our world today!
Sex? Might have sex about 6 times per year. At one time, it was 10 months without it. How can a wife expect to even go out for dinner or share time with each other without any type of intimacy? I don’t understand it. With 3 kids, job loss, etc., I will turn to a sexless life as long as I am my current marriage. Last time we had sex, my wife freaked out for my daughter left her bedroom and may have viewed our sexual actions. Ever since, my wife has nothing to do with sex anymore. I may have to find sex outside of marriage. There is really nothing one can do in my mind. Once the flame for intamacy is ruined, I find it hard to believe that the flame will ever return. If the right person comes along, it may change life for the better…better intamacy, overall fun relationship with spontaneity. Life is too damned short to live like a robot…taking care of house, kids, etc.
Joe, I would never encourage anyone to cheat on his wife. If you’re not satisfied with your sex life with your spouse, there are many things you can — and should — do instead of cheating. For starters, you should communicate better and more with one another. And you could always see a marriage counselor or sex therapist to help you resolve whatever issues you’re having.
Due to what I believe to be hormonal changes after giving birth to our two sons 16 years ago, my wife’s extreme personality change has caused me to not want to have sex with her. She has become extremely selfish, rude, and loud, something she never was. I now find her physically attrative but get turned off whenever we begin to get romantic and can not get an erection. When I just think about her, sexually, I do get erections, therefore it is not a physical problem. It is difficult for me since I do not believe in being unfaithful.
Albert, thanks for sharing with us. I’m glad to hear that you don’t believe in being unfaithful. Remaining committed to your marriage is the honorable thing to do. But I’m confused about these hormonal changes? Has the doctor suggested this caused a personality change? Have tried counseling or talked to your wife about your concerns about her behavior and the lack of sex in your marriage?
Sure married couples can go without sex.
Married 43 years and the last 29 years have been without sex or intimacy. Its not a bad life. I’ve had E/D, depression issues, high blood pressure for years and I take meds, wife has depression issues. So with these meds sex is a thing of he past.
And I hate intimacy, gives me the creeps. Were married and just good friends
This makes me sad. My husband had cancer and it ruined our sex life. We’ve been to the doctor and have tried somethings, but I am very unfulfilled and feel very unhappy about it. I never thought I’d have to live without it. My husband feels like cuddling etc. is enough, but I am starved for more. Seeing people say it doesn’t matter to them makes me upset, like there’s something wrong with me.
Catherine, you should not feel badly. Everyone has different needs and desires. What is right for one person or one couple might not be right for another. Have you talked to your husband’s physician about this? There are sometimes things doctors can do to help if there’s a physical problem causing a lack of desire. Have you gone to therapy? I wish you the best of luck.
I don’t believe married couples can really remain happily married without sex unless BOTH partners agree to no sex. If not there will always be an unfufilled partner. When this happens the person who is rejected will feel like he is in an awkward very close special friend roomate situation and not a marriage. On going sex with your spouse is one of the things that differentiates a friendship from something more.
It has taken me almost 13 years to even try searching out this subject. The day after marriage, my husband informed me he did not plan on a physical relationship. Since I and I believe he are committed Christians, divorce just is not an option. Now he has cancer which is terminal, so I just kind of feel selfish now. Anyhow, I can say that not having any type of physical contact or affection makes faithfulness extremely challenging. It does not lend to my happiness either. So, I have learned to find what goodness I can and pray for better in the years to come. I have really found no other answers.
M – I’m sorry to hear of the difficulty you’ve had, but I commend your courage in sharing your story with us. Have you tried counseling at any point? Did you try communicating your frustration to your husband? Are you getting support from others now that you’re facing this illness of your spouse’s? It can be really demanding on the healthy spouse. You might consider some sort of counseling. I hope you hang in there. Please check in with us to let us know how you are both doing. You’ll be in our thoughts. Good luck!
This topic is close to my heart. My husband and I are newlyweds, we love each other and share great tenderness and intimacy. We are everything to each other. But the one great sadness is that we do not have a sexual relationship – only at the start of our relationship did we have sex, when we were in our early-mid twenties. We have now been married for 2 years and there is no sexual connection anymore. I don’t understand it, wish I could. Sometimes I feel like there is something wrong with me, or with us. I worry that this will eventually trigger a breakdown in our relationship later in life. I think stress, routine and familiarity are part of it – we both work so hard, and struggle to relax or forget about life’s ongoing battles. But is there some deeper problem here, between us – is it that we just don’t have a physical connection that is ‘normal’ in a healthy relationship? I wish I knew.
Gemma, thanks for sharing your story with us. It sounds like you have a great marriage but are having some trouble in the bedroom. Having a strong foundation is most important and it can carry you through the other difficulties that are likely to come up. Have you tried seeing a sex therapist? Or simply unwinding together by taking a vacation or unplugging and ignoring work on the weekends?
what do you do in a situation where being newely weds.. 11 months to be exact, and there had been no sexual relations in the marriage. the wife says that she just cant go through with doing it. no matter how much foreplay, how much talking, once i touch her with my hand there, she wants to cry an says stop. how do you live like this…? What do you do?
what to do, have you talked to a medical doctor and/or a marriage counselor with your wife? For some, painful sex is a symptom of other problems. Also, you might want to read this article about first-time sex – http://newlyweds.about.com/od/lovesex/a/firsttimesex.htm
Let us know how things work out for you two. Good luck!
mariage already on the edge of dangerous on these days. the only thing we could do is treat ourselves
on the rest of our lives..without sex is quite normal
in this post-modern society..
I am pulsating all the time. I would love to be intimate and also lost in the heat of the moment with my guy but he isn’t responsive to advances – I think he’s A-sexual and just wants the companionship rather than the sexual intimacy. I won’t cheat on him but it could break us up – having a hard time handling his choice to not have relations with me rather it be lack of desire for me or want of desire to fulfill my needs although they aren’t his – its always about him. Being in a relationship for the rest of my life with a non-passionate man when I am a very passionate women could bring us to the end. Have no idea what to do… Must be something wrong with me too for wanting passion, sexual passion, in my relationship!
i know that sex is nothing but the result biological changes in body. in society it taboo to discuss . it is fact that after sexual intercourse partner repel, & that feel it i snot good things. I know all these things still due to glamour world i start craving for sex & i assume that lady will permit for sex which js totally false . lady cut jokes but do not allows for sex. I am living without sex last 7 years neither my wife talk about sex nor my self . say sex is not my weak point and she also says it not also for my weak point . in fact My penis erected while seeing sexy lady and night i dream.
i believe in friendship but node allow me for friendlies means to have sex any time. How can i live
So many people seem to be stuck on sex. It is not the sum total of a relationship. If it is then there is already something wrong. My husband and I will be married for 7 years this July. He needs to take antidepressants which really mess with desire. We have not even tried to have sex since two months after we got married. We are still deeply in love and best friends. Yes, we still sleep in the same bed too.
When we took our vows we both meant it. Each and every word. For better or worse, for richer or poorer in sickness and health. We take the good with the bad. The sweet with the bitter. Maybe it is less of a problem for us because we were in our 40′s when we got married. I just know that I am not leaving and he is not leaving. Enough said!
I am young and married an elder man say 15 years my senior. Now sex is lacking completely in our marriage. In the beginning it was hot now we have a son the marriage bed has grown cold. i am still a curvy size 8 i just dont understand. i show all signs of interest i have invested in lingerie but i am slowly giving up. i am tempted to step out. please help i am christian i dont want adultery but in my husbands eyes i have ceased to exist as a woman. And i crave for intimacy
desperado, I am right there with you. My husband just isn’t interested. I am a Christian and I don’t want to be unfaithful. It is hard sometimes. I just feel like I am only half alive. I have always had a high libido, and I thought he did too, until about a year after we got married and I realized I had married a man who is fine with once or twice a month, or less. When we are together, it is great. But it is just so rare, I would almost rather not have sex at all, because having great sex once every 4 or 5 weeks just reminds me of what I am missing. I am reading about all of my options. I don’t know what I will do. I don’t want to get divorced, but I am still young and (I think) attractive, fit, not overweight, adventurous, and he is happy to just watch TV. I feel like I am dying.
I’m so sad. My husband and I are 24 and there is no intimacy in our relationship. We have been married for 2 years and have a new baby. I try to talk to him but he says nothing is wrong. I keep thinking his cheating on me or is gay. This is awful. I can’t live like this. I cry at night. I keep having erotic dreams and that just makes it worse for me. I don’t want to get a divorce but I have fallen in a deep depression due to the lack of love. I feel like I am slowly dying. He seems to be fine and he watches porn even if I am home and available to be with him.
Married 45 years and only had sex, intimacy, affection once in all those years. Our first sex took maybe 10 minutes and that was it for him. He told me he hated it, felt no passion, pleasure, was disfunctional, disgusting, messy and certainly not worth the effort that goes into it. And needless to say it never has happened again. He told me to not bother, talk or touch him ever again. At that he moved all his stuff to the basement, works the midnight shift. I’ve been confused, angry and feel hate. I don’t like living this way but I have a roof over my head, and he has good benefits.
@ Amy… if i were you, i would jump for joy! … you are so lucky i hope i find someone like ur hubby! <3
I have been merried for 25 yrs and just a few months ago my wife decide for us that we’er done with sex. This year I can count one one hand how many times we had sex. I’ll be 50 next month and I’m to young to go with out sex I like sex with my wife but if I bon’t get it from her I will go some where else. It’s not fair of her to decide for me when to stop having sex is it?????
we have get married for 2 years, but we have not had any sexual relation at all, and I think my husband is in love with other one, I have lost many things in my life because of him, I am so disappointment and really I don’t know what to do, please help me?
My husband recently had a needlestick injury and we don’t know if he has caught anything as it takes 12 months to find out if he has. I’m worried that he has contracted something and this makes me too scared to have sex with him even if a condom is used as it could possibly break. Once apon a time I would have just had sex with him anyway because if he was to have a life threatening disease I would too because I wouldn’t want him going through it alone but we have also just had our first child five months ago and she needs me so I cannot risk catching something. I’m not sure how not having sex for a whole year will affect our relationship yet and I’m not even sure if our relationship will be strong enough to withstand it. I love him and I know that I will stand by him by know matter what but I know that it will be a strain and there will be many fights and a lot of stress, I just hope that we can make it through. Any advice would be great.
Niana – I’m sorry to hear of your disappointment. What kinds of things have you tried to remedy the situation? Have you spoken with your husband about how you feel?
Anon – I’m sorry to hear of your husband’s injury. I hope he is doing well and that he remains healthy. What has your doctor told you to do? What kinds of precautions have doctors suggested?
I have been with my girlfriend 1 year. We have 2 children each from past relationships. We have been living together 6 months now and since then it has been a constant decline in connection, intimacy and of course sex. It has come to the point that she pushes me away with her arms when I try to kiss her. I have spoken to her on many occasions. Enquiring about her feelings for me and the fact that they may have changed. She says she loves me and cannot foresee her life without me… But thinngs just don’t change. I have never felt so rejected, so humiliated, and my self esteem has hit rock bottom. However I am so in love with her I cannot come to terms with leaving her. I suffer so much from this lack of contact and touch. When I speak to my friends about it they just advise me to leave. Ironically when I met her I did not find her so physically attractive but I had been on the dating scene for a while and when I met her I told myself that this time I would force myself to look beyond her looks. I discovered a girl whom I still think is wonderfull, thoughtfull, good moral sense… But just not affectionate anymore. I find I am living the biggest challenge of my life.
After 25 years, 5 kids, and 15 years of depression, maybe I just want somewhere where I can say that I wish sex was overrated. And that I am also not interested in it. But I am. And it hurts to be the only party in a marriage that is.
I came across this site – these comments after searching for support for my own sexless marriage issue, and I must say that I’m disheartened to find what I see! I read comments from Christians that think that somehow, being in a marriage without the intimacy God intends for marriage to be about, is ok ; that it’s preferable – and worse- more acceptable (to God?) than divorce. A Christian marriage, is NOT a marriage without sex. If one spouse is withholding, then that spouse is in sin. Do you think that unfaithfulness is a term defined by what you don’t do alone? No. A spouse that is not fulfilling his /her marital obligations is an unfaithful spouse. For myself, I cannot live in a marriage that is void of sex, and I too am a Christian. I will not let my spouse condemn me to a life like that. You should not either.
Dear Kel & others in the same boat……..
I actually PRAYED to find this forum where people had this type of sexual problem!!! I’m at my wits end! I’m a 64 yr. old female; married for the 3rd time & to a man 9 yrs. my junior. We’ve been married going on 29 yrs. & for the past 13 pf them……NOTHING! Not even a hug unless I ask for one. MIght I add, BEFORE we were married he was all over me like flies on you-know-what & it had to have been some of the best sex I’d ever had. But, as soon as we’d been married a couple months he informed me that he didn’t have any romantic feelings for me anymore. I thot someone had shot & killed me! Might I,also, add that I’ve been in several beauty contests & won 2 of them. So, I’m no uggo. And told I have a great personality.
But, then, here I am…..still. Just alone. I do masterbate because it releases endorphans into the body that are good for you & give you a sense of well-being. Any OB/GYN will tell you that sex,etc. is good for the body……both men’s & women’s.
I’ve done everything I know how to do including counceling, talking to his minister,(I’m a Christian),guess he is. I believe God ordained the marriage bed to be pure & wonderful & He invented it. I’ve asked my husband if he’s gay. Nope. He’s not. Asked if he’s a-sexual. There’s where he grumbles some. So, I have no straight answer to that one.
I’m so full of” WANT” That I actually experience orgasms in my sleep! What a way to wake up!
I don’t know what to do. I will not be unfaithful to the man.
Help! eaglehaslanded
I have been with my husband for 9years and we had sex for 10 times in that 9 years , we slept in the same bed but he said he cannot feel me , I do not understand something every night when he is fast asleep his erection is on . He said his erection is working perfeclty when he is with other ladies outside , im a christian , I prayed till today and do not have clue what to do anymore and i dont have children and im so depressed i do not know what to do , im afraid to talk about it i always pretend as if everything is fine, nowadays im even resorted on working nightshift only cause this thing is killing me . im not interested in any men other than him ,
We have been married for almost five years and our sex average is about twice per year. She says she has no interest. I love my wife, but I feel short changed. I try to do everything I can to make her happy, but there is very little intimacy. She says she loves me, but I am not feeling the love. I feel totally disrespected, because what I want doesn’t matter to her. I just wish there was a compromise. Now it seems the only time we can have sex is if we go in vacation. Even then it isn’t gauranteed. It feels like hiring a hooker.
I’m filing for divorce. This Asexual crap… I don’t believe it one bit. Someone is having an affair or is just into the opposite sex. No harm there but don’t live a lie. Ladies I know what’s its like to feel rejection from your husband bc they no longer wanna have sex with you. After a month of no sex I questioned my husband and he asked me to go another month if that was ok… I said however long it takes to finalize the divorce. Now his attidude has all of a sudden changed. I don’t think there’s any coming back from that. Porn gets him off but not me. I wont stay in a misrable depressing marriage. Yes I’m bitter, but telling your spouse you choose to n o longer have sex with them is not normal. Its insane and insulting. To anyone agreeing to do this bc their spouse requested it and is ok with it, why in the world would you have not questioned their motive? Really?! Sometimes divorce is a good thing.
we have the same issue, my husband is under a lot of pressure, financial and emotional. we just had a baby last year and have no family support, its just the two of us. he doesnt want to have sex anymore and says he doesnt know why.I dont think he is cheating on me but think he might lost his attraction on me. since we have a baby, its very hard to decide to break the marriage and I want my kid to have a family, a complete one with his own father. dont know what to do. very sad
My story is similar to people here. I desperately want to have sex with my wife, but nothing repulses her (my choice of words) more than sex. At least, sex with me.
I have no idea what to do. I’m only 34, and I NEVER imagined sex would be over for me. Some days I seriously wonder if I’d still make the same choices in partners, if I knew then what I know now.
Much like Wanting It I am a 32 year old male in the same boat – I am gutted my sex life is over and it will never change. Every rejection I get from my wife is a kick in the guts and my self confidence and esteem is at such a low. I am a shadow of what I used to be and nothing more but a shell and will never recover so I am stuck in this marriage.
If you are going to give up on sex (whether you are female or male) tell your partner, and do the right thing and let them go before you destroy them for the rest of their lives. If your partner is happy with the situation they will stay but please give them the chance to think about it and move on. I wish I was given the chance as I would have left. Sure, it would have been hard but I would have got over it and actually been a “person” as opposed to an apparition.
If you simply cut sex and keep your partner hanging on there will come a day when you are despised for it. Believe me, you WILL be despised eventually.
I will be 50 next yr May, my second marriage will be 5yrs old by December 2013, I as the man loves sex, but my wife is not disposed to sex and we both desire to have children.
Now with the regular rejection/refusal i have been constantly receving from my wife each time i make sexual advances to her, i am considering going asexual.
I have been pushed to the wall, but havin read posted articles here, i have decided not to make sex a priority but relationship. I am currently having the best of time in my marriage. I love my wife and she loves me too, am not dispose to cheating on my wife, so am set to please her, i am not prepared to allow this marriage to crash, To hell with sex, this marriage will contnue. Kindly advise