Open Marriage Works for Some Couples
Monday June 2, 2008
I'm in the middle of reading Jenny Block's revealing memoir, Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage (Seal Press, 2008). I find myself at once shocked and intrigued. Block writes beautifully and simply about how she and her husband arrived at the decision to remain married while dating and having emotional and sexual relationships with other people. (You can read more about Block in "Open Marriage: One Woman's Experience".) I've always been a proponent of live and let live. What one person wants to do in her bedroom is none of my business, and I am not God, which in my world means I have no authority to judge.
At this point, Block's husband Christopher is not seeing anyone outside of their marriage, and she has one steady girlfriend with whom she is in love. She loves her husband as well and the couple trusts one another, says Block. While I wholeheartedly respect Block's decision and I'm happy that her marriage works for her, this is where she loses me. I'm definitely a one-man woman. Raised a Catholic, I'm not terribly religious but I do believe marriage is a holy sacrament. When I get married in a few months, I will not only be professing my love for Antonio, but I'll also be promising to be with him -- and him alone -- for as long as we both shall live (and I'd like to think into eternity).
Besides the conflicts an open marriage has with my family's religion and traditions and the vows I'm about to take, it also seems like a lot more work. Establishing a relationship, fighting and making up, and connecting with one person is enough of a job. I don't think I could possibly handle loving two people in that way. This is where polygamists lose me, too. It's double everything. Double the sex, double the joy, double the sorrow, and most of all double the work. Personally, I would be miserable juggling more than one relationship of that sort. Add parenthood and career to the mix, and I'm not sure how people in open marriages get any sleep.
Still, open marriage makes some people happy. A Google search reveals a whole community of polyamorous people, those who are in love with more than one person at a time. Block, writing in the third person, sums up her feelings on the subject at the end of the book's prologue: "What she did know was that everyone is different, so it made sense to her that every marriage might be different. For now, her marriage was working. She had a husband and a girlfriend who loved her, and a daughter who was doing just fine. Why shouldn't they keep on doing what they were doing, she reasoned, and see if they couldn't define for themselves their own happily ever after?"
What do you think about open marriages. Let us know by leaving your comments below on this blog or in the Newlyweds Forum, where a discussion is already starting to brew on the subject.
At this point, Block's husband Christopher is not seeing anyone outside of their marriage, and she has one steady girlfriend with whom she is in love. She loves her husband as well and the couple trusts one another, says Block. While I wholeheartedly respect Block's decision and I'm happy that her marriage works for her, this is where she loses me. I'm definitely a one-man woman. Raised a Catholic, I'm not terribly religious but I do believe marriage is a holy sacrament. When I get married in a few months, I will not only be professing my love for Antonio, but I'll also be promising to be with him -- and him alone -- for as long as we both shall live (and I'd like to think into eternity).
Besides the conflicts an open marriage has with my family's religion and traditions and the vows I'm about to take, it also seems like a lot more work. Establishing a relationship, fighting and making up, and connecting with one person is enough of a job. I don't think I could possibly handle loving two people in that way. This is where polygamists lose me, too. It's double everything. Double the sex, double the joy, double the sorrow, and most of all double the work. Personally, I would be miserable juggling more than one relationship of that sort. Add parenthood and career to the mix, and I'm not sure how people in open marriages get any sleep.
Still, open marriage makes some people happy. A Google search reveals a whole community of polyamorous people, those who are in love with more than one person at a time. Block, writing in the third person, sums up her feelings on the subject at the end of the book's prologue: "What she did know was that everyone is different, so it made sense to her that every marriage might be different. For now, her marriage was working. She had a husband and a girlfriend who loved her, and a daughter who was doing just fine. Why shouldn't they keep on doing what they were doing, she reasoned, and see if they couldn't define for themselves their own happily ever after?"
What do you think about open marriages. Let us know by leaving your comments below on this blog or in the Newlyweds Forum, where a discussion is already starting to brew on the subject.
I believe where a lot of outsiders miss the boat on modern 21st century marriages is that many are starting to look what works best for them, and that’s good. This one-size fits all idea never works well for the masses that have various interest.
This is proof that all kinds of marriages need to be accepted and tolerated, not just the old-fashion one that most in conservative circles expect, either because that’s how their ancestors did it, or the church commands it.
It’s time for sweeping changes and marriage reform, as marriage really does not belong to the church since about the Treaty of Trent in the 1500’s. This means if you design your marriage a certain way to handle say an Open Marriage, it should be honored. If the marriage is same-sex, or with multiple partners who are all willing to commit and sign on the dotted line (of their license) and either take an oath or vow, that should be the design of the marriage, and thus becoming it’s contract.
Marriages have been evolving, and most of what is all ready out there is nothing new. In fact a little over a 100 years ago it was sometimes joked that romantic marriages were silly, and are now the standard. Before, most marriages were arranged for economic purposes. No one in this age can really understand this, and think just because we have electric lights now, that was not always the case, and people did it differently then. Yet we have so many who think it’s the will of God to keep it the same, as it’s never really been. That’s the real ironry.
All those who want to get married, or life committments contracts, whatever, and make it official, and live by it. That thus is the moral standard that is set, and should be honored. Not what the loud minority dictates, as they would have us all live the same way as they do, whether it be a negative or postive for all who are involved. That’s just not realistic.
Marriage needs to fit the people. If it doesn’t fit, it will not work. Cheating and all the other horrors will ensue, just as proof that bad ideas that we have held for so long now are not really working. If there was ever a time to start thinking reform, this is a good generation to start taking action.
I for one am proud that people like Jenny Block are starting to make a stand. I read her book, and loved it. Not that I am going into an open marriage, but I believe everyone in a marrying mode should be educated on all the alternatives to really test their ideas before they just jump in. Even if they are totally against it.
Thanks for your thorough evaluation of alternative marriages. What do you think people should do to make marriages of different types acceptable and legal? In other words, what should the next step be?
My husband & I have just started a open marriage, and I am scared to death, yet excited. We have set many ground rules and talk about it often
Nikki, what led you and your husband to decide to have an open marriage? How did you bring this up with one another?