Meet the In-Laws
Tuesday April 8, 2008
My family makes for the best and worst in-laws -- and they know it! My parents and even my father's sisters and brothers-in-law are welcoming people, who embraced their children's spouses immediately. They brought them into their homes, fed them, invited their families to join in the fun, and did stuff for the couple -- from throwing them unbelievable weddings to helping to raise the grandkids for free while their children and sons- and daughters-in-law go to work. They also offer their emotional support and love from the get go. Many of the people who have married into our family have expressed their gratitude and appreciation for the devotion their in-laws give to them on a daily basis.
But sometimes they love a little too much. Like many Italians, they believe in sticking by your family. And they choose to live close to their siblings, children, grandchildren, etc. As a result, they visit -- often, sometimes at 6 or 7 a.m. on a Saturday. They might even let themselves into the house (at which point they will probably cook you a meal, do the laundry and fix the plumbing, but they also will wake you up, interrupt some morning delight, or reorganize your kitchen cabinets so you later can't find anything). They also might offer advice, even when you don't ask for it or don't want to hear it. And they've been known to sometimes make you feel guilty about not taking their advice. Many of the people who have married into our family have expressed their frustration at the overabundance of love, also known as interference or meddling.
Despite their flaws, my parents and aunts and uncles make for great in-laws because they are flexible (if given time, lots of time), willing to admit they're wrong, helpful, loving, and encouraging. Their main goal is to help their children create nice lives with their spouses. They are rooting for them to make it and stay married -- and they'll do whatever it takes to help when there are problems. Slowly, they're learning when to butt out, too. Slowly, I said!
With time, they win over all those who marry into the family. And you can win over your in-laws, too. Here's some help for navigating the delicate relationship between you and your spouse's family:
Should You Call Your In-Laws Mom and Dad?
What Should I Do about the Problems I'm Having with My In-Laws?
Discuss Your Mother-in-Law
More Advice: Help Your Spouse Get Along with Your Family
But sometimes they love a little too much. Like many Italians, they believe in sticking by your family. And they choose to live close to their siblings, children, grandchildren, etc. As a result, they visit -- often, sometimes at 6 or 7 a.m. on a Saturday. They might even let themselves into the house (at which point they will probably cook you a meal, do the laundry and fix the plumbing, but they also will wake you up, interrupt some morning delight, or reorganize your kitchen cabinets so you later can't find anything). They also might offer advice, even when you don't ask for it or don't want to hear it. And they've been known to sometimes make you feel guilty about not taking their advice. Many of the people who have married into our family have expressed their frustration at the overabundance of love, also known as interference or meddling.
Despite their flaws, my parents and aunts and uncles make for great in-laws because they are flexible (if given time, lots of time), willing to admit they're wrong, helpful, loving, and encouraging. Their main goal is to help their children create nice lives with their spouses. They are rooting for them to make it and stay married -- and they'll do whatever it takes to help when there are problems. Slowly, they're learning when to butt out, too. Slowly, I said!
With time, they win over all those who marry into the family. And you can win over your in-laws, too. Here's some help for navigating the delicate relationship between you and your spouse's family:
Should You Call Your In-Laws Mom and Dad?
What Should I Do about the Problems I'm Having with My In-Laws?
Discuss Your Mother-in-Law
More Advice: Help Your Spouse Get Along with Your Family
I also have Italian in-laws who are very close knit, and I have experienced similar feelings of both gratitude and frustration! But ultimately at the end of the day I’m grateful because I am a child of divorced parents and my husband views marriage as forever and family is numero uno and nothing comes between us, even when we are fighting, so that mentality is a good one to have when we navigate this often rocky road called marriage!
Thanks for your thoughts and sharing – it’s nice to know that a lot of what we experience is just plain universal – but since we are all living in our own little bubbles, and no longer in communities, sometimes it’s hard to remember that we are not alone.
You’re welcome! It helps me to know that I am not alone, too. Do you have any tips for newlyweds on keeping the peace with your in-laws when you are feeling frustrated? I think that would be helpful. Anyone who has such advice should feel free to chime in here. Thanks!
I have been married for just one year now. My husband and his family are very Italian. Women sit at one end of the table and serve while men sit at the other end and eat, drink and be served. I feel the same.. they are great in many ways and frustrating in many as well. I am trying to have the “take the good with the bad” attitude. My problem is the guilt.. they always make me feel so bad when I’m not doing what they want when they want. I have never dealt well with guilt and have avoided it through my life by doing “right” as much as possible and communicating if I have let people I love down. It is impossible with my in laws to avoid it. They will always lay it on thick. Any advice? I’ve tried communicating, but they choose not to hear me. My issue is that I cam also very close to my family and have to divide up time. My in laws want it to be all about them and it just can’t be, I don’t even want it to be. I tell my husband to go to the overwhelming amount of events without me and I will come out as often as I am comfortable, but not as much as him. I don’t enjoy the company of his family as much as he does or wants me to. With saying that I love them in “small doses” for lack of a better term. I am not use to the culture (difference between women and men, religion, etc.) and when I attend functions I feel that I have had a enough time with them for a few weeks following. Kind of exhausting. I am okay with this though, he is not. I am rambling on and perhaps coming across as a bit scattered. My apologies, I am scared though that we could end up divorcing because of this. Something neither of us ever want! We have gone to counselling but my husband does not believe in it.. I love him so much and I know he loves me. His family is wonderful. I just NEED more space than they can understand. Any advice would be appreciated and helpful
Kerri, thanks for being so open about your situation. I, coming from a big Italian family and marrying into one as well, know both sides of your story. I personally sometimes get overwhelmed by the expectations and number of events our families have. What I do is encourage my husband to spend some alone time with his family and I hope that he lets me do the same. And we pick and choose to participate in what works for us both. I don’t force him to do things with my family, so he doesn’t force me to do anything either. Obviously, some things are obligatory. Neither of us could miss my brother’s wedding or his niece’s communion. But Uncle Luigi’s 53rd birthday dinner is not a must-do. Capish? Seriously, I think you just have to talk to each other, set some boundaries, and be honest. Let us know how things are going. Good luck!
I am so exhausted after 15 years the men are higher than women and the phone calls Sunday at 6:00 AM are killing me
Alexandra, I feel your pain. I am living with my in-laws for a few months in Italy, and it can be tough. They are wonderful people, but each family needs its own space. You have to be able to develop your own bond and connection. You’re creating your own family and that takes years, patience, and understanding. Have you tried asking them to call after a certain time of day? Do you always answer the phone?
Kerri,
I am sorry for responding so late. I have read the other responses…I am going to give it to you straight. I have been exposed to an Italian family for 20 years…married 10 of those years. A very wise person gave me this advice early on into my marriage…this wise oracle has been involved with the same Italian family for over 40 years. The oracle’s experience and prediction became factual. Here it is…your husband’s Italian family already has an established family circle..the parents, your hubby and his siblings….that is it… you are “the in-law.” They may treat you nice at times (but is it really any different then they treat other house guests?) I am sorry…but you will never be in that inner circle…you are not of their bloodline. But here is the kicker…your children (if you are blessed with children) will be in that inner circle…not you. Believe me I have watched this with all of the siblings of the clan and their Italian cousins, aunts, uncles, blah, blah…I am currently experiencing this with my children…but I choose to stand my ground (Please read on). Funny though, even gorillas accept outsiders into their clan..ask Sigourney Weaver. This may not hold true for all Italian families…but this is applicable to the Italian descendents straight over on the boat…you know…old school, the ones that have the accent and speak the language in your presence (and they know darn well you don’t understand…). Marrying into a family of this type will be a big cultural shock. You will go through a rollercoaster of emotions including made to fee guilty as an inadequate spouse (because you’re not FBI..Full Blooded Italian), anger toward his family, etc… Holidays and those obligatory Sunday dinners that last for 6 hours are a real treat. Unite as a couple! Put you and your hubby first. If you have children, concentrate on “your” new family circle! Your family( You, your hubby, and children) come first! In the end, your Italian in-laws do not control you..you let them control you….so don’t let them!